How often do you run out of pen? What is the possibility that you have just one pen, you are studying like a nerd, taking notes; all of a sudden that only pen stops working?!
I remember long time ago I had an argument with the insurance agency about rejecting my insurance papers and not paying them, his argument was that because our register notebook was written by different colors in different days so they had to be fake….!! Actually as far as I remember, during school time most of our pens would work just for a couple of weeks and we had to switch to a new one soon, not even a “BIC” was really a BIC! For the final exams we usually took bunch of pens, so if one of them stopped working, we would have another one...
But this one was a good one and I admit it was a real “BIC”… Now why should it stop working right now? In the library? And I don’t have anything else; and I was taking good notes… Oh GOD…

We just carved our pumpkin, the pumpkin of the year. That reminded me of our first pumpkin when Kiana was exactly the same age as Rana is right now. I had just learned in my class how to carve a pumpkin and that very day I bought a pumpkin from “Wards”, Kiana was so excited and I admit I was too. Kiana was a Barbie princess and we started our treat or trick one day earlier than other people, we just messed up the date… We had heard about the upscale area of the town with nice Halloween decoration… we went there and surprisingly everybody was ready for us. They would remind us that we are a little bit early, but still they were ready to give her treat…
I really wished we could carve this pumpkin with Rana. Halloween is more fun for her age; she could be a princess, a witch, a fairy, or even a pumpkin. You think it is going to ever happen that we carve our pumpkin together?…Ever since I left her three months ago, with her face full of tears, and our promises that Kiana would be back from the airport… Our promise was eventually turned out to be wrong; still I can hear her begging for coming with us. Should she had come, she would be dead tired by staying up till 4 am… and I promised myself that next time I won’t let anybody come to the airport, one of THOSE promises…This is a bad tradition… this is a Big Bad World…

Feeling terribly overwhelmed with life, I am hoping I don’t give up what I already started … Living my life so damn fast, watching days and weeks come and go so fast, and we don’t even have time to talk about our routine life… First of all we don’t see each other very often. Even though the process of thinking is much faster than talking; we still don’t have time for thinking. I don’t want to think about anything new, don’t want to think about any disturbances, don’t want to think about any new stresses; just so damn busy life, I never had this much before. I don’t care if someone has just given birth to a baby, I don’t care if the other one is having a party and wants to have people get together. My life at home contains just the maintenances just to make the home “livable”; not even a little bit more. Cleaning the house just every 3-4 weeks, fill up the dishwasher as much as I can and also use it more often, doing laundry every 10-15 days… I have never been like this before; well, I have never been this much overwhelmed before either. Am I going to finish this? I have to, I don't have any choice...

Sometimes for no good reason a memory sticks to my mind and even though I’m doing something else, it stays there all day and I kind of live with it. Today with all the hormone mechanisms and endocrinology, I’ve had some sweet memories of this summer during our trip to home; some memories of having fun and feeling relax, no stress, feeling comfortable. Still I’m confused of the way I could manage to live so far away for a long time and it seems it’s getting more permanent as we go forward. It seems in the back of my mind I still have some problem with it being stable and permanent since when I think of the summer trip, I forget it was far away, for a few tenth of a second I think I can repeat it in a near future, then I recognize that it needs a lot of prerequisites to be able to achieve it again. All of a sudden I remember that it wasn’t a trip to New Hampshire, it was more than two thousand miles away,…
I don’t know, maybe I’m starting an early onset of Alzheimer, or it might be because of being so tired all the time. When I wake up so early in the morning, I noticed that I can remember part of my dreams, which is almost unusual for me to recall them. I noticed most of the time my dreams contains good memories of the near past. I assume I miss those days so much. But let’s being honest, let’s face it that those days are not coming back soon, not even in a year from now…

Better late than never

I can’t believe how weeks are going by fast! It’s already Thursday night and I feel that last weekend was just yesterday. I crave for learning and I want to swallow all the chapters. I feel like time stops when I’m watching the lectures and I want it to be faster and faster then I can swallow more and more. On the other hand the days go fast and I still have a lot to do. If I could just have a few hours and not fall asleep…
Why didn’t I recognize this sooner? Why didn’t I use this opportunity twenty years ago? Maybe I was so naïve at the time, or maybe I was meant to be this way. I don't want to go through fate and these stuff now. What ever the reason is, I know that “better late than never”.

We are the world

There comes a time
When we heed a certain call
When the world must come together as one
There are people dying
And it's time to lend a hand to life
The greatest gift of all

We can't go on
Pretending day by day
That someone, somewhere will soon make a change
We are all a part of
God's great big family
And the truth, you know love is all we need

We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

Send them your heart
So they'll know that someone cares
And their lives will be stronger and free
As God has shown us by turning stone to bread
So we all must lend a helping hand

We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

When you're down and out
There seems no hope at all
But if you just believe
There's no way we can fall
Well, well, well, well, let us realize
That a change will only come
When we stand together as one

We are the world
We are the children
We are the ones who make a brighter day
So let's start giving
There's a choice we're making
We're saving our own lives
It's true we'll make a better day
Just you and me

Bad days

These days are the worst days of my life, with an unclear future, no hope to continue, no courage to make any change, and feel empty inside. I go to work just as a duty to be done, full of disappointments. I spend days and nights just as a duty that needs to be done, I eat just because I feel it's time for it, not because I really love that food. I go to jogging just to spent few more minutes of my evening without mourning of "what to do, what to do". I feel I'm starting a depression phase but I am probably not thoroughly in it. I think we have a 2-year period for these kind of disappointments, but this time it seems to take longer than before...
I need a change, I need a good news, I need some developments...where did my energy go?!!